You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom