You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.