when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
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so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
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That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.