____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
