I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
