hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.