his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
