no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
