No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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