he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
