I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
