Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
