At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
