i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
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I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You ruined the universe
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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