Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
