Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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