The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
