dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
