I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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