Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
