Betty ford says i'm here all night
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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