Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
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I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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