his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
