Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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