Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
