I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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