I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
