when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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