We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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