I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
