He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
