I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
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