and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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