smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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