I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
