Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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