he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
