I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
