just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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