Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
