my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
