i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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