Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
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I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
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The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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