I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
