I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
