My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
high people should be assigned attendants
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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