I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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