Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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