Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just wanna soil my oats bro
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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