Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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