I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
