guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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