apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
