you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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