When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
