Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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