Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Everclear isn't food dammit
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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