I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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